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Leave A Message At The Tone by Ray Printer Friendly

I wish I had more answers and better reception and longer battery life. I wish I had more booze and more knowledge and more experience. I wish I had what you needed to hear.

But I’m the guy who makes jokes. Also, I’m the guy with calve muscles like you wouldn’t believe. Sorry, man—I know that that probably isn’t what you need at the moment. You want to feel ‘em, though? You can…go ahead—just a little squeeze.

I don’t have anything sage-like to say, and even if I did, it would be slurred and inadequate, like a sage who had been hitting the sauce pretty hard all morning. I want to tell you that it will hurt but it will eventually be all right. I want to tell you that you’ll always end up being someone’s hero, whether you want to be or not. I want to tell you that it will be okay, no matter what happens.

But I only get your voicemail, and you can never tell anything important to voicemail.


posted 4/10/07


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