Home Login Contact
Sections

Galleries

Authors

Issues
First-Of-The-Month-Quotes: Dirty Desk Calendar by Ray Printer Friendly

I’m glad it’s a new month. Not because I have anything against last month (although I do, since those bastards moved up Daylight Savings time), but because around the third of March, I had pasta. I ate it at my desk, as is my custom (my custom is eating at my desk, not specifically eating pasta at my desk), and unbeknownst to me, some of the tomato sauce had run over the corner of my plate. So basically, I’ve had tomato stains all over my desk calendar that I’ve had to look at for the entire month.

That’s not the only thing dirty on my desk calendar. This is the first time that there will be some omissions of First-of-the-Month quotes. By this, I mean that there’s some stuff that I jotted down at the time that will not be making it to the fine (and family-oriented) pages of The Strangelands. I was looking down the other day and saw some of the stuff I had scribbled down, and I was amazed that I would talk to the kind of people who would say things like that. Amazed and amused. Oddly, it wasn’t just one thing, and it wasn’t just from one person.

It’s almost as if the people I speak to want to push the envelope of what I’ll pass along to the unsuspecting internet. Anyway, here it goes:



“Send me Harry Potter Porn or nothing at all!”

.

“There is no banana factory, and why is there a monkey hanging on for dear life.”

.

“How exciting, period, no exclamation.”

.

“I farted myself home.”

.

“So retarded people aren’t funny when they fall?”

“Depends on how retarded they are.”

.

“I’m about to go Google myself. And by that, I mean I’m about to go jerk off.”

.

“I don’t even know where to get a monkey. I looked online once, I couldn’t find one for sale anywhere.”

“I saw some for sale by Sonic once.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true. Some guy out there, selling monkeys.”

“I hate you for not buying one.”

.

“What you need to do is put up a sign and say it’s from Management.”

“What would it say?”

“‘Stop Shitting.’”

.

“I need a better pen organizer.”

“Yeah, one with a lock.”

.

“Sometimes I wish I knew more calculus. How weird is that to say?”

.

“This smells so good I’m about to cry.”

“Alcohol and spices are a dangerous mix.”

.

“I just about have him talked into crossing the country with nothing but a bicycle and a banjo.”

.

“This traffic is a banana and that’s science.”

.

“It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that you can’t talk to me without getting fucking angry.”

.

“Not trying really worked out for me.”

.

“Happiness through suppression?”

“Let me tell you something, my friend: Denial has saved more relationships than love ever will.”

.

“Once you snort a line of coincidence, you ain’t never gonna be the same.”

.

“I got a six-foot hard-on with crumb cake all on the end of it.”

“Grody.”

“Yeah, I’m awesome.”

.

“He moved in, and I haven’t seen him since.”

.

“A night without bourbon is like a night without sunlight...I don’t know.”

.

“It’s a chemical released by shame.”

.

“There’s a crop of me. A crop of me and a crop of my cousin, and we’re growing next to a crop of…something.”

“Tobacco?”

“That’s exactly it.”

.

“My cock only likes crazy.”

.

“You know who he sounds just like? Pac-Man.”

.

“There was an old guy in this store today, he smelled just like earth worms and ash trays.”

.

“Duncan Hines? I fucked him up the ass in prison. That’s how good this cake is.”

“Sounds delicious.”


posted 4/02/07


Comments:
Entered By Diane From NH
2007-04-04 00:52:25

Are you SURE you actually hear this shit like, out loud? From other people in our plane of the universe? If so, and you're not hallucinating from the overexposure to chlorine, then truly Texas is the strangest place in the world, and only the weirdest people live there and communicate exclusively with you. It's like you're a conduit for bizarre shit! Keep jotting this crap down and saving it up for your first of the month stuff, cuz frankly by the first of the month I really NEED a good laugh. Happy Easter.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-04-04 01:09:23

Yes, people really say this shit to me. These people are my friends, and they aren't exclusive to Texas--some of them are probably frighteningly close to you. They are freaks.


Entered By rik From Unknown
2007-04-04 12:40:29

Whatever. I think he just makes it all up and actually has no friends at all to speak of.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2007-04-07 04:43:41

I have all the friends, you bastard.



Add Comment:
Name: Location: