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I Am Jackís Broken Brain by Ray Printer Friendly

I had all Saturday to come up with something good to put up on the new issue. I went to bed early most of last week, so in my head, the plan was to stay up writing as late as I wanted on Friday, then wake up on Saturday and start back up. How it worked out was, I went to bed early on Friday, and then spent all day Saturday playing video games. They werenít really even cool video games, honestly. I mean, I have Batman Begins for my PS2, but the way my TV is set up in the living room, the sun shines down on it most of the day, which means that if youíre playing a dark-atmosphere game like Batman, you canít see anything except for the red bar telling you that youíre getting your ass handed to you by someone or something.

So instead of doing something even kind of cool, I sat around playing flash games on Newgrounds. To be honest with you, I doubt that my brain was in any kind of condition to play Batman Begins. I did try to play this one when I first woke up, but it was a disgraceful performance, and even though I know that Batman probably isnít real, I sort of worried that had I continued playing, he would have burst through my window and kicked my ass for making him look like such an idiot on the internet.

My point is this: even if my dedication to write all day had been grounded in reality, the stuff I would have written wouldnít have been any better than the last-minute drivel Iím dumping out at this very moment.

So welcome to the new month. What is it, April? April. When I was a kid, I went to Sunday School with a girl named April. If I recall correctly, she had fantastic calves. I wasnít into that kind of thing, but I remember guys in high school talking about it. I always thought it was an odd thing to obsess over. That said, I obsess over my own calves pretty much constantly, which is probably a few levels higher than odd. I donít obsess about them because I like them, but because theyíre the most defined muscles on my body, and they continue to grow daily. Iím a little afraid that one day Iíll wake up, and my entire legs will be nothing but calf muscles. And then my abdomen. And then my entire body. Iíll be nothing but a pair of pretty amazing calves, and although people will be impressed, theyíll never want me as their leader.

I donít know where Iím going with this.

All right, this is a News post, so I suppose we should talk about whatís coming up this month (is it me, or does it feel like we just had this conversation?). Same ole, same ole, I guess. Iíve got a few short story irons in fire, and Iím sure Iíll be ranting and raving about something at some point.

Things are picking up at my job, so my posting may get a little more sporadic, but you never can tell. Iíll also be dedicating some time to other projects, which means even if Iím not busy lifting back-snapping amounts of pool supplies or passing out in the bathtub, Iíll probably still be too busy to post regularly. I know, I knowóIím sad about it, too, but my testicles arenít going to color themselves with magic markers, you know? Weíll see, though. Maybe despite all the activity, Iíll still be posting all the time.

Listen, Iíve just been reading over this, and Iím pretty sure my brain is broken. Letís just call it the first of the month, call this a News post, and move on, okay?

So enjoy the month, kids. April: the month with the best calves!

posted 4/01/07


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